The Role of The Hissy Fit in Geopolitics, And How To Make It Work For You

Just back from an extended round of strategy meetings with my attorneys. They were fairly productive, and I think I can say this with a high degree of confidence: If you have ever crossed me, and you have any plans to do anything requiring extensive use of two functioning knees, I'd suggest you pencil 'em in before mid-January. And beyond that my lawyers have urged me not to go.

And that's really the trouble with lawyers, isn't it? -- the instinct toward weaselly, word-parsing self-protection. It's the kind of instinct that says, for example, that if you've come up with a beautiful plan for revenge against your many enemies, a plan involving split-second timing, a truckload of ball bearings and the services of a highly-trained cadre of ex-military paralegals, why, you should hide that beautiful, vengeful light under a basket. Mr. Irresponsible just can't see the wisdom in this. Which is why the news on this morning's wires was so bracing. It described a client brave and resourceful enough to defy his own lawyers' advice, and demonstrated that with enough conviction one can throw a highly-public hissy fit and get away clean. I'm talking, of course, about defendant Saddam Hussein, whose screechy histrionics about his jailers' "terroristic" tactics were only the beginning. (These apparently involved denying him access to a Rainfall Showerhead and the Tighty Whities he so famously favors.) At the end of yesterday's session in Baghdad the deposed president told the court to "go to hell" and swore he wouldn't return until the new central government returned the CDs it had borrowed and wiped his number from its mobile phones "like, forever." (I may be a little sketchy on the details here.) Showing an iron will and a refusal to be cowed, the judge gaveled the trial back into session for about twenty minutes this morning before shutting the whole thing down for a two-week break. The lesson seems obvious: Bad behavior works.

Keep in mind, however, that there is a question of scale. If you become hysterical when your boss asks you to stop bringing your xBox to work and playing Dance Dance Revolution during staff meetings, and you stomp from the room swearing never to return, you will likely be fired. If you can arrange to get your tantrum covered on CNN International, though, you will immediately become a figure of stature. (Your co-workers will probably continue to refer to you under their breaths as a jackass, but what did those hacks and grumblers ever do for you?) So remember: When life hands you lemons, stomp them into lemonade!