I Invite You To Bow Down Before Me

Say, here's a tip we can all use to make our dealings with retail establishments more satisfying and productive.  If you and a group of friends find yourselves in the vestibule of a high-priced boutique at, say, one minute to six in the evening, just as the underpaid employees are wearily preparing to close the store and return to their drab little apartments after spending eight hours on their feet catering to the whims of over-entitled crybabies such as yourself, and the employees take a moment to discuss the relative merits of allowing a large entourage to enter the store within seconds of its posted closing time -- make an international stink. Cry, bitch, moan and caterwaul. Use your nationally-syndicated talk show to rake the company over the coals. And just when the thing seems about to die down, "invite" the outfit's president onto said show to crawl sixteen feet across the brightly-lit studio floor and kiss the toes of your Jimmy Choo shoes. (Note: The "invitation" to beg for mercy in this fashion is analogous to the "invitation" convicted killers are extended to walk the Green Mile.) Remember to insist that it is you and you alone who is being singled out for unfair treatment. Use locutions that would be identified as insane in a person less famous, powerful and feared, like: "That's what was embarrassing... I know the difference between a store being closed and a store being closed to me." See? It's simple! And if all else fails, buy your audience's love with bread machines and baskets of soaps, for which the manufacturers have, in the great American tradition, received promotional consideration.

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[*** Dave]

For those of you who think "Noblessw Oblige" is a new line of handbags that the hoi polloi are keeping you from buying with their silly "shifts" and "work schedules" ...