Demi-Terrible

I know, I know. It'd be shooting fish in a barrel to tee off on today's AP story slugged "Report: Are Demi, Ashton Trying For Baby?" The trouble is, sometimes the fish are so plump and delicious that you just can't resist. And so... avanti!

According to Demi Moore via AP's cheap, hacky retread timely summary of a Harper's Bazaar story, Moore, 56, and Kutcher, 11, met "not through Sean Combs, as everyone said, but through a mutual friend, Sara Foster, an actress who's known Ashton from the day he arrived in Los Angeles." Why, I remember it as if it were yesterday, the day everyone was saying Sean Combs introduced Demi Moore (then 63) and six-and-a-half-year-old Ashton Kutcher. All I wanted to do was walk down to the newsstand and get the papers, but there were huge clots of people on every corner talking animatedly about how Sean Combs had just introduced Demi Moore (at the time a youthful 74) and a still-in-Underoos Ashton Kutcher, and you just couldn't get anywhere. I swear, it was like VJ Day and the World's Fair rolled into one. Oh, by the way: "...a mutual friend, Sara Foster, an actress who's known Ashton since the day he arrived in Los Angeles"? Am I wrong, or does this awkward, overbuilt sentence fragment bear the stamp of someone who has either learned it phonetically or is having it fed to her through a tiny earpiece by Peggy Siegal? No matter: That's good eating! Moore continues, apropos of marriage:  "I feel that we are and that we don't need something formal, so to do so isn't a big deal one way or another." (Translation: The lawyers are still fine-tuning the pre-nup.) And say, how do Moore, who is amazingly vigorous for a woman nearing her centenary, and Kutcher, whose posterior fontanelle is almost completely closed, like to spend an evening? Oh, you know, just like you and me: "Sharing a bath with one another and watching Court TV," Moore confides, and then adds the extra little fillip that helps the anecdote turn the corner from stiffly unbelievable to creepily specific: "Snuggling up naked." Okay then!

There's more -- isn't there always? But honestly, you have things to do today and so do I. From 11 AM to noon, for example, I'll be rubbing my eyes raw in an attempt to expunge the image of these two nitwits curled up naked in a bathtub watching "Forensic Files," while Moore's half-grown children play with matches and live ammo in the next room and pine for the days when their positive male role model was Bruce Willis. Then lunch. Then I plan to spend the afternoon thinking nostalgically of a time before every dope with a steel will and a couple of lines in IMDB got to impose her every thought on the American populace, and before the American populace had nothing better to do than listen.

Comments

[Rogan]

If it makes you feel better, for me, Demi Moore is the girl who played a supporting role in some lame Aliens VI movie or something. But then again, I don't have a TV. :(