And Tell The Pepper Grinder To Keep It Down

An Italian company has announced plans to market a "talking wine label" -- in reality a small chip which would be implanted in wine bottles to dispense advice on "how to enjoy the wine, where it came from, everything you'd hear from a sommelier," says Tuscan entrepreneur Daniele Barontini. (Reuters fails to note whether Barontini twirled the tips of his walrus mustache and added an enthusiastic "Atsa-nice!", but let's just assume for the moment that he did.)

Mr. Irresponsible has heard some knuckleheaded ideas in his time, but this one takes the biscotti. Consider this: Wine is a social pleasure. Imagine the warm, glowy feeling you get from a nice bottle of Chianti. Imagine settling in with a group of companions to discuss the affairs of the day. Now imagine that the half-empty bottle adorning the table just won't shut up. It's "I can't believe you served me with that fish" and "Oof, I'm feeling a little corky tonight" and "Whoa, easy there, Guzzly; how about you gimme a nice sip once in a while?" Oh, you'll try to be polite and go on with your conversation, but the damn thing just will not be ignored. You think a Cabernet is assertive? Wait'll you sit down across from a talking '97 Rufina. Before long it'll be singing Neopolitan folk songs and leering at your date. And then, brother, you might as well signal for the waiter, because the evening is over. And don't expect the wine bottle to chip in, either. Oh no, you can count on one thing: The wine bottle will go dead, stony quiet when the check comes. It'll be humming innocently and pretending to be absorbed in the export information at the bottom of its label, and if that doesn't work it'll start whistling and craning its neck to study the ceiling tiles. You might as well just sign the check and head for the valet stand.

The prospects for this sort of thing are frightening to think about. You'll have Australian Shirazes bellowing out "Waltzing Matilda" in every liquor store, and German ice wines wheedling "Ach, is it cold in here or is it me?" Do you want to live in a world where every trip to the wine cellar is like some crazed, babbling Model UN? Not me, baby. So the next time you're presented with a glimmering gizmo and a New Age huckster who promises it'll change the very life you live, do as Mr. Irresponsible does and apply a simple test. Ask yourself this question: Is it likely to increase or decrease the amount of time you spend each day wanting to murder someone? If you can truthfully answer the latter -- as with, say, TiVo, or a really good toaster oven -- then by all means knock yourself out. But if you can't, run as far and fast as you can in the opposite direction.  And let the microchips fall where they may.