Im aiming at you, buddy

Mr. Irresponsible's been on something of a science jag lately. First came the report that ill-mannered louts behave more or less the same in deep space as they do in the street below your window at midnight. Now, right on the bleeding edge that separates coolness from creepiness, we have the news that human behavior may soon be controllable via a small handheld device. That's right: it's remote control for people. At the moment the technology is only sophisticated enough to impel a test subject to reel a few tentative steps to the right or left, like a league bowler on $6.00 Bucket Night. But my goodness, think about the implications. Imagine being able to abandon moral suasion as a tool to get your way. (Moral suasion only works on people with a shred of conscience, and really, how often are those the people you're trying to keep from urinating in your doorway?) Imagine a compact battery-powered device with a snappy brand name like "MAKE-EM-DUIT" or "GuyZap 2000." (Trademarks applied for, just in case.) Now imagine the small, discrete thrill of aiming it at the idiot who's chattering away in the row behind you at the movies.* And just imagine the satisfaction you'll feel as he suddenly zips his yapper, a look of befuddlement clouding his features. Heave a delighted sigh with me now, won't you? Aaaaaah.

Admittedly, it will take some adjustment to make the product broadly useful. I suggest a few pre-programmed settings: "SHUT UP," "DRIVE FASTER," "REACH FOR THE CHECK." It might also be worthwhile to market age-specific models -- one for teenagers, for example, which might have pre-sets for "STOP SAYING 'LIKE' AND 'SHE WAS ALL...'" or "QUIT SCUFFING YOUR GIANT CHUNKY SHOES ON THE SIDEWALK." These are finishing touches, though. The important thing is that the ability to regulate anti-social behavior is about to land exactly where it belongs -- with the victims of that behavior. Isn't this precisely what science ought to do? Empower the powerless, give voice to the voiceless, and make people quit acting the fool? And if that requires a debilitating jolt of electricity to the brain, who's Mr. Irresponsible to stand in the way of science?

*A lower-tech means of handling this situation is detailed in Chapter 1 of my current book, "Mr. Irresponsible's Bad Advice," which is -- hey, what do you know! -- available now.